I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
