jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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