Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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