so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He keeps bees of course he's weird
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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