I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
