Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
