my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
