Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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