I just threw up on my dentist
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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