My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
