My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
