Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
