For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
