WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
