so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
