We're facebook friends in real life
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
