if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
