They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
