The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm experimenting with sincerity
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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