I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
