whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
