I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
