I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
