The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i may or may not be watching the land before time
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
