So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Sorry my hands just texted you
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
