I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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