my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
