This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
