How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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