at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
