"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize