Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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