I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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