between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
