I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Someone signed my nipple.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
