Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
