day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
