Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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