if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
