I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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