how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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