you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
