FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
