He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
