True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
