some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
