do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
