HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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