And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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