Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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