Sry I called you an 8
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
