the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize