conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The power of my boobs compel you
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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