I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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