I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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