One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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