Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
