I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
