She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i wish my penis had a tongue
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
