My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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