I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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