Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
